Incase people forgot how I look like heh :)
Life has always been good. Always have been. I will always look forward to everyday like a normal day. Look forward to going to uni and the slightest things makes me happy. Things like planning the weekend with my friends, things like dressing up to uni, making me feel good that I look good for uni. Things like shopping for 2357686534 clothes having to hide it from my mom after I bought them. Things like simple movie with my girlfriends makes me smile. I get excited over sleepovers lol. And I don’t long for a boyfriend lol. AND YES ITS TRUE, theres times when I get all like “ahh how I wish I have someone I can call mine, someone to pick me here and there, someone to go to the movies with me, someone to go on dates with”. HAHA Who am I to kid right… my mindset have always been, if it comes, it comes, if it doesn’t, it will one day? Who knows. And this matter never bother me lol. Things have always been easy. Yeah.. “easy”.. and when I say easy.. I don’t mean easy, as in easy. Not the, I got a robot at home to do my assignments for me, I have a chauffeur, or yada yada. I always think “Aiya everything will be ok wan la”.. So what if theres never ending of assignments? So what if I cant find a good parking ? Just walk further la…” I get scared and worried about things, but I get better the next day because it’ll be all fine.
It’s a Saturday today, *laughs* you’ll always find me at home watching Korean dramas. I mean, what am I talking about, you’ll always find me watching Korean dramas 24/7. I get so excited that I can watch them lol. I will actually rush my assignments so that I can watch an epi or two before going to sleep. And I forget the time when I watch them. Or, I’ll call up my friends just to hang out. And then.. I’ll have dinner with my family at night. And after dinner, its either I continue with my Korean dramas or I go yamcha with my friends lol. Point is I’ve always been very… carefree.
Yeah, the word carefree. Perhaps, I was TOO carefree.
Unexpected things happen and when it happens, it just happens. REALLY UNEXPECTEDLY. Everything started on March 20th. That was when you FB chat me for the very first time. Clicked right away and that’s when the texting started. Every day, every minute, every second. And oh, MSN. We talked so much, with the mindset of what if tomorrow never comes. So much in common and it just happens. Same primary school, same high school, same everything? Best thing was you’re my friend’s brother. Then, I got scared. Really scared. Scared of whaaat? Being a rebound. Thought of ignoring your text and just stop talking to you. But I guess you can’t stop feelings.
That’s when the best friend warned you. You proved her wrong. You proved me wrong and we agreed on taking things slow. 27th March was our first date. Second date on 3rd April and I lost count on how many dates. Your brother didn’t like how we were progressing at all. I was hurt to the core. But well, you told me not to care, and just give him some time. Plus, its not fair for him to judge you. I care because he is your brother and he is my best friend’s boyfriend, but I like you, so what am I supposed to do? And so, long story cut short. I got too used to having you around. We talked too much. We look forward to the weekend too much because that’s when you come home from Nilai and that’s when we can see each other. You’ll text me even when you are in your favourite place shooting things. You would stay up late just to talk to me, you would come get me to eat no matter how late it was. You would text me asking if my tummy is feeling ok even though you are sitting at the same table across me. You would drive just to buy that packet of milk for me. The money you spend on me, the “anything la, up to you”, the place we go to, just everywhere, everything. Worse is when you get jealous saying you want to punch this punch that. I got too used to you driving me around, too used to you holding my hand first in the car and everywhere, too used to you texting me first reflecting that fact that I never text or msn you first, too used to you holding me, too used to being in your arms, too used to kisses on the cheek, too used to you smiling at me, too used to having your chin on my shoulder, too used to feeling extremely small beside you because you are so tall, too used to leaning on you on the escalator, too used to just having you in my mind. Too used to just you being there. The fact that you’ll be there. I guess it was my fault for holding your hand first. So everything went too fast. Everything was too beautiful, too good to be true, too prefect to be true.
Then… you got scared. Scared that whatever happened in the past will happen again and it haunts you. Scared that if we don’t last, things won’t be good with everything around you. You got too afraid… too insecure, too selfish. Caring of what other people would think of you and not even care a single bit of how I would feel. One of the main reasons was that I’m very close to your brother’s girlfriend, which is my best friend. Ever thought that without her, we won’t even happen? Sorry was the word. “My fault for not willing to give it a try and take risk but I thought of what that could happen and I don’t want to go thru it again. I’ve been through it and I find it very hard to go thru it again”. And with that, you left.
I was clearly a rebound. A replacement. You don’t even realize it. Theres only one reason why you left, you never liked me enough.
Heartbroken. Can’t lie this time. Because this time, I can actually feel the pain. How much it hurts. It really DOES hurt. Now I see, how people actually feel. I’ve always been the one comforting other people. I guess its easier said than done. Tired of not sleeping, tired of crying, tired of don’t feel like eating.. .just so tired of everything already. Never expect it to actually hurt this much. Cant even find myself to look at everything the same way as before. Cant even find myself listening to kpop. Cant find myself step foot in the curve, cant even find myself doing anything without having you in mind.
The only thing to do now is, I need to forget you. Gotta accept the fact that you left. Done crying, gotta move on. Cant grieve on it forever. God loves me and all I can do now is to pray for what God think I deserve. Things been really hard but I can go through this. I mean come on, whats my pain compared to others? Those who get cheat on? Those who is divorce with kids? People in Japan? Those who gave everything to the other half and the other half just left after getting what he wants? You can go out and have fun with your friends forgetting about me so I can do the same. I still do wonder how you sleep at night sometimes. Ever wonder why you not holding your phone today, why are you not texting. I guess everyone deserve a guy who would take risk and fight for them. I guess im not the one that you would take risk and fight for. Just that for you and me, everything jumped to the downhill stage when we were at stage of honeymoon. And who knows, really, I’ll be hearing you having someone new in a month?
Part of life that everyone has to go through at least once in their life. People walk in and walk out of your life leaving scars. Nothing can be done but to let go. Let go so that new one comes. I still see you and everyone else. Its this mask that I put on that Im fine, but Im sure as hell I will be really fine one day. And that’s the day when I can talk to you without having to feel anything. The day I can delete all the conversations we had in msn, delete all my msgs labelled your name.
Thanks for all the memories, and hopefully one day, you’ll find a girl that you’ll actually take risk and fight for. Just give me all the time in the world to heal and have you at the back of my head.
Back to being strangers again, you 184cm.
Labels: break up, personal life
